Hiatus
Social media have made me a lazy bloggerr. I’m taking a long break. You can follow me at Twitter, but I’m very selective about who follows.
Alone
It’s raining heavily now, and my heart feels empty. The dress that my mum often wore to wedding events still hangs by the side of the closet, just waiting to be worn and shown off in public once more. She used to tell me that it was her favourite dress out of all that she owned. I couldn’t help but feel a tinge of sadness pressing down its weight on my heart as I desperately try to catch my breath. As I sat down, clutching on to the dress and trying to smell her scent, the tears, which I’ve held back for so long I couldn’t remember, finally tracked down my cheeks.
It’s been more than a year since she passed away. I know it’s probably time for me to find my closure and move on. But sometimes, I feel that the only person who has truly moved on is her. And I am left in the ghosts of memories past, incapable of feeling and experiencing my loss for I have chosen to drown myself in work. It’s only when I’m alone, when the slightest things around the house reminds me of her, that I truly feel my grief manifesting itself into something hideous.
The house is empty and there is not a soul here. I feel alone.
Recap of last week
The term tests finally came to an end. I feel good about my papers but I don’t want to be complacent either about them.
I had my NS medical checkup last Friday. It didn’t take very long as I had expected for it to be. Then again, my appointment was early. The only thing that bothered me was the questionnaire at the end; frankly speaking, it was a complete and utter waste of time.
After my checkup was over, I headed to my friend’s studio where I experimented around with the studio equipments and the off-camera flashes while waiting for the clients to arrive. He had a paid shoot that afternoon and I was there to assist him. The results were good. The clients were happy with the shots he took and had asked him to do another shoot for them again next week.
I left the studio at 4pm that afternoon. I decided I would walk around Bugis for awhile to kill time. Truth be told, I’ve never been a huge fan of Bugis. Sure, you can find cheap things there but rarely do you find something worth to die for. And besides I’ve never been a fan of the crowd either.
After aimlessly circling around Bugis for close to an hour, I then made my way to school for the event shoot. I had been asked the night before to cover the dinner event. At first, I hesitated about going but I ended up accepting the offer eventually. I really enjoyed myself at the dinner event but I wasn’t really happy with one of the photographers.
There’s an unwritten rule a photographer should always follow. Never ever block another photographer’s view by standing directly infront of them and thus rendering him or her unable to capture the shots needed. Personally, I find it rude and distasteful. The general idea is that you should always stand in line with the other photographers. This is especially true at events. There were many times I wanted to speak up and tell him to piss off. Instead, I found myself moving my feet frequently to different locations to get the shots that I needed. At the end of the day, that is all that matters. Everything else is secondary.
More at my Flickr.
And if it’s any consolation at all, I’ve seen much worse at bigger scaled events. Some have resorted to bringing ladders to climb up on as though it’s their god-given right to do so at the risk of causing another photographer far back a shot at taking photos.
Anyway, that’s that. I’m most probably going to Ikea later this afternoon. Not that I have any money to spend or anything but I just wanted to browse the sales item and at the same time, plan out what my dream house should look like. I know it’s too early to even consider my own house but it’s something I hope to achieve before I turn the big thirty. Besides, I have nothing better to do anyway tomorrrow so I might as well.
Prepping for the term tests!
It’s my turn to do the grocery shopping for my dad this week! We’ve run low on a number of things in the fridge. I’ve written them all down on a little yellow post-it and will be making my way to the supermarket once I’m done revising for the term tests at the library later on in the afternoon.
My revision for MCOM yesterday went smoothly. I’ve written pretty much everything I need to know and now it is only a matter of reviewing back what I’ve already written and letting it sink in memory. The only subject this semester that I’m worried about is MMNS. It’s heavy on content and the lecture notes are not organized in key points, and that makes reading it an arduous chore! Coupled with the fact that the teachers are boring and have not a clue on teaching, it’s making me worried.
I’m gonna head out to school now. I’ve about 30 minutes left to make it for the 8am class!
I am feeling..
Famished. I’m still in class now. Patiently waiting for my teacher to grade the report that I’ve already written. She’s taking forever though. My stomach is already growling and I’m craving for the Ramlah burger from Short Circuit.
The term tests are next week. I’m not prepared for it yet but I’m going to start revising today. Gonna head out to the library after school hours to begin writing my notes.
A few weeks back, my dad asked if I planned on furthering my studies. I wasn’t sure what to answer him so I told him honestly that I wasn’t sure but I hope to. He then asked if I planned on studying overseas. I told him that the thought has crossed my mind many times but I was always afraid that the costs of it all might just bankrupt him. He then asked me not to worry about the costs and that to concentrate on my studies. A part of me still feels hesitant about accepting the offer but eventually, we came to an agreement. I told him I’d apply for local admission first; if things go well, great. If it doesn’t, then we’ll take it from there.
I’ll update again tonight if by the time I’m home, I’m not tired. Teacher’s letting us off.
Judging is tomorrow!
My project judging is tomorrow. We are the last team to present. I don’t know if that’ll be a good or a bad thing but either way, I’m nervous and at the same time, I can’t wait for this to be over for good. For 6 months, I’ve felt more stress than I’ve ever known my whole life. To know that the end is near is such a huge relief for me. Lemme just say it for the record: major project was not fun. It was tough, mundane and it stretched me thin and pushed me to my limits. Simply put, I hated it. There was nothing memorable about it. Admittedly, I’ve learned a lot in the last few months but the real question still holds. Will I put what I’ve learned to practice after graduation? Chances are I won’t.
That said, I need to put in a lot of practice this final sprint. Already I’ve screwed a quiz badly. I can’t afford to skip another lecture from this point onwards.
I cannot wait for the weekends to arrive. Dinner plans have already been made with some friends. It’s been quite some time since I sat down and had a good laugh over dinner with… well, people in general. So I’m really looking forward to it.
A heart man
I could promise to hold you and to cherish. I could promise to be there in sickness and in health. I could say till death do us apart, but I won’t. Those vows are for optimistic couples. The ones full of hope. And I do not stand here on my wedding day optimistic or full of hope. I’m not optimistic, I’m not hopeful. I am sure. I am steady. And I know that I’m a heart man. I take them apart, put them back together, I hold them in my hands. I am a heart man. So this, I am sure: you’re my partner, my lover, my best friend… my heart beats for you and on this day, the day of our wedding, I promise you this. I promise you to lay my heart in the palm of your hand. I promise you… me.
Preston Burke, Grey’s Anatomy
Beautiful wedding vow but it is also one of the most heartbreaking scenes that followed after. Check the video.
Chick flick movies are da bombz
I had planned to go to Orchard for night shooting yesterday but that didn’t go through because I was feeling lazy and wasn’t feeling up to being a part of the crowd. So I ended up instead watching The Perfect Man and Raise Your Voice. You know, the movies that Hilary Duff starred in. Funny how I used to dislike her when I was in secondary school thinking that she was just another Disney actress whose fame will die out in a matter of time but now, I know she’s not just that. I’ve said this before in my blog and I’ll say it again – I dig chick flick movies! They make me happy and all giggly and I’d much rather be watching them than movies that makes me all teary-eyed by the time the credits roll.
Anyway, I’m going out to Little India in about 30 minutes time. If I’m not tired by the time the shoot ends, I’ll be heading to Orchard at night. I have the routes already planned out to take but I doubt I’ll be using them much, if at all. I’m the kind of person who has the plan in his head but I don’t necessarily follow them. I like deviating away from proutes and going to wherever my feet takes me to. It makes travelling and photowalking a lot more fun.
That said, I’ve finally uploaded the street shots I took of Orchard last week on Flickr. It was my first time shooting on the streets and it was terrifying to say the least. I was afraid people weren’t going to respond well to having a DSLR pointing right at their faces but most of them didn’t seem to mind. The few who did notice just smiled. Do I want to go back for more again? Definitely. I’m most alive when I’m on the streets.
I’m going off now. Will probably be back quite late. Hopefully, it doesn’t rain at Little India!
Just another update…
I don’t mean to, but sometimes I tend to eavesdrop on conversations I shouldn’t be listening to in the first place. Today, while on the bus, I sat right across a couple in their late twenties. They were talking about marriage and their expectations of it. It was all sweet and lovely until the guy decided to express his expectations of his partner. He expected her to be – and there really isn’t a better way of saying this – his personal maid and to chuck babies out of her vajayjay. It’s fine though if she agrees to it; after all, it’s her choice. But had it been me in her shoes, at that exact moment, I’d have been pissed and called off all plans to marry. I don’t want to be judgmental on this because everyone has a different set of values and customs they believe in. But it still kind of throws me off into a shock that people still keep to the old custom and values that should have long been forgotten.
As I mentioned previously, I’ve been under tremendous stress due to school, but I’m coping. Project judging is about two weeks away. I’m afraid of it but at the same time, I can’t wait for it to be over. Once it is done, it could only mean a huge burden off my chest.
There’s only a couple more months left before graduation. It’s quite frightening actually to be in the last semester of school when your whole life has been pretty much about… well, school. There’s a lot about the future I’m still uncertain of but I’m not worried. I have time. In fact, I have two years. There’s the army to clear. Two years is enough for me to think things through.
Having all that said, I know I haven’t been blogging faithfully like I promised. School has left me with little time and energy. By the time I get home, the only thing that hangs above my head is sleep. But the real reason for the lack of updates is because I don’t know if I should even keep a blog anymore. Each time I feel that spark of inspiration to update, it disappears in the next minute just as quickly as it came. And I lose that momentum to write.
I don’t know if I can promise frequent updates but I can promise I’ll make an effort to update when I can.
And now, I think it’s time for me to slip into a happy oblivion.
